Audiobook - Adult - Nat Cassidy

Transcript

Note: Transcripts are generated using speech recognition software and may contain errors.
Matt Cassidy poking a dead frog. Conversations with today's top comedy writers by Mike Sacks, the late comedy writer Jerry Belson, a veteran of The **** Van **** Show. The Odd Couple and The Drew Carey Show, among other classic sitcoms, wrote a joke that became one of the most well known and most retold in the history of television from a 1973 episode of The Odd Couple. Never assume, because when you assume you make an *** of you and me joke is undeniably great. But perhaps the best and most effective joke that Belson ever wrote and he wrote Untold thousands, is the inscription that he wanted engraved on his tombstone. I did it their way. In other words, Hollywood's way. The executives way the Wrong Way. The Amityville Horror, by Jay Anson On a lamp post at the end of the paved driveway is a small sign bearing the name, given the house by a previous owner. It reads high hopes. An enclosed porch with wet bar looks out at a preferred older residential community of other big homes. Evergreens grow around the narrow grounds, partly blocking off the neighbors on either side. But they're drawn shades can be seen easily enough. When he looked around, George thought that was peculiar. He noticed the neighbors. Shades were all drawn on the sides that faced his house, but not in front or in the direction of the houses on the other side. The house had been on the market for almost a year. It was not in the paper but was fully described in Edith Evans Agency listing. Exclusive Amityville area. Six bedroom Dutch colonial, spacious living room, formal dining room and enclosed porch. 3.5 baths. Finished basement, two car garage, heated swimming pool and large boathouse asking $80,000 $80,000 for a house described like that in the listing. It would have to be falling apart or the type ist could have left out a one before the eight. One might think she'd want to show a suspect bargain after dark and from the outside only, but she was glad to show them inside. The Lutzes examination was pleasant, swift but thorough. Not only did it meet their exact requirements and desires, but contrary to their anticipations, the house and other buildings on the property were in fine condition without hesitation. The broker then told the couple it was the DeFeo House. The Veldt by Ray Bradbury. George, I wish you'd look at the nursery. What's wrong with it? I don't know. Well, then I just want you to look at it is all. Or call a psychologist and to look at it. What would a psychologist want with a nursery? You know very well what he want. His wife paused in the middle of the kitchen and watched the stove, busy humming to itself, making supper for four. It's just the nursery looks different now than it was. All right, Let's have a look. They walked down the hall of their soundproofed Happy Life home, which had cost them $30,000 installed. This house, which clothed and fed and rocked them to sleep and played and sang and was good to them, their approach sensitized to switch somewhere, and the nursery light flicked on when they came within 10 feet of it. Similarly, behind them in the halls, lights went on and off as they left them behind with a soft automaticity. Well, said George Hadley, they stood on the thatched floor of the nursery. It was 40 feet across by 40 feet long and 30 feet high. It had cost half again as much as the rest of the house. But nothing's too good for our Children, George, it said. The nursery was silent. It was empty is a jungle glade at hot high noon, the walls were blank and two dimensional. Now is George and Lydia Hadley stood in the center of the room. The walls began to purr and recede into crystalline distance. It seemed, and presently an African Veldt appeared in three dimensions on all sides and colors, reproduced to the final pebble and bit of straw. The ceiling above them became a deep sky with a hot yellow sun. George Hadley felt the perspiration start on his brow. The Forever War by Joe Halderman. Tonight we're going to show you eight silent ways to kill a man. The guy who said that was a sergeant who didn't look five years older than me. So if he'd ever killed a man and combat silently or otherwise, he'd done it is an infant. I already knew 80 ways to kill people, but most of them were pretty noisy. I sat up straight in my chair and assumed a look of polite attention and fell asleep with my eyes open. So did most everybody else. We'd learned that they never scheduled anything important for these. After shop classes, the projector woke me up, and I sat through a short tape showing the eight silent ways. Some of the actors must have been brain wipes since they were actually killed. After the tape, a girl in the front row raised her hand. The sergeant not a data, and she rose to parade rest not bad looking, kind of chunky or on the neck and shoulders. Everybody gets that way after carrying a heavy pack around for a couple of months, Sir, we had a call, Sergeant, sir. Until graduation. Most of those methods, really. They looked kind of silly.