Adult Autobiography

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English

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North American (General)

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Note: Transcripts are generated using speech recognition software and may contain errors.
Chapter two, the early years as the youngest of three Children. Self esteem and self confidence were huge battles that I fought on a daily basis. All those years of trying to find myself and my own identity were very challenging. Almost to the point of obsession, I would hide out at night and isolate myself from the world in order to make the nightmare stop and make the memories go away. It was such a struggle for me to get through the day and survive. I was a good girl, and yet I didn't give myself credit for surviving on Lee self abuse. I did everything that I was supposed to do, and yet in the end, I was always abandoned and betrayed. How I was treated by my family would always be one of the unsolved mysteries in my life and one thing I could never control. I opened my eyes and was two years old again in a room that was very familiar. The walls were yellow with white trim, and there were dolls of all shapes and sizes around me. I could see their faces looking over at me. I rolled over on my side and stared out the window, the sun, beginning to pick its rays into my room, made rain bows on the walls. It was beautiful, and I was happy, Happy to lie in bed and watch the shadows dancing on the ceiling. I was all warm and cozy as I snuggled under my quilt. I could smell the fabric softener from the sheets. Everything smelled so fresh, so safe out of no where the door flew open and my brother, Michael stood in the doorway. He was five years older than me, tall and skinny, and reminded me of a scarecrow. His hair was standing straight up, and I noticed he was wearing pajamas that didn't match the colors, clashed with cowboys and Indians on the bottoms and stripes on the tops. I was pleasantly surprised to see him. I adored him. He was my hero, my big brother. Something was different today. He had a funny look in his eye like he'd seen a ghost. He lunged toward me and grabbed my arm. I could feel his fingers tighten on my skin, and it felt like my arm was going to rip off the rest of my body. Let go of me that hurts. I was pleading with him and he said nothing. He dragged me through the house unnoticed by anyone, and the journey to the backyard went quickly. I was flying my feet, never seeming to touch the ground. As the images raced by me. We finally stopped and we're standing in the side yard next to the pool. The sunlight glistened off the water. It looked like little fairies were dancing in the morning sun. The blanket of green ivy that lined the hills was moist from drops of morning dew that fell from leaves. I felt chilled as the air blew through my pajamas and my no started to run. I looked down at my feet and saw that I had no socks on and felt the roughness of the concrete mixed with stones poking into my souls, I started shifting my weight to avoid the pain. In one sudden motion, he swung me around and got up in my face and started shouting at me hysterically. We have to save everybody. There's no time left. The spiders are everywhere and they will eat us if we don't act quickly. I didn't understand what he was saying. what spiders. I didn't see any you shoved, is tightly closed, fist level with my face and began opening his fingers one at a time. Curiously, I stood up on my tiptoes to get a closer look. We used to play this game a lot, and usually he would have candy hidden in his palm. He slowly spread his fingers, and in the center of his palm, he revealed a giant spider. I froze and couldn't breathe. I watched as a crawled to the edge of his hand and then leaped off, attempting to free itself. Michael started slinging the spider. I watched it scramble as the Web dangled from his middle finger. I began stepping backwards to avoid its path, and then, as though by magic it was gone, Michael could barely catch his breath as he laughed uncontrollably with an eerie sound that made me shiver. He began screeching and taunting me. Be careful. If the spider bites you, you're dead. He reached down, and I watched him lift a dirty metal bucket and slam it over my head. Suddenly, the morning light turned dark. The bucket engulfed my head. The metal against my face was cold and tasted salty. I wanted out, but there was no escape. It almost felt like someone was holding it down. I tried reaching for the handle, but the stick he had shoved in my hand got in the way. I could feel him pushing me from behind. One step at a time, I began to panic. I tighten my grip on the stick, deciding that it was the answer to my survival. My heart began to race and I tried to scream, but all I heard was the sound echoing off the inside of the buckets. Once the ringing in my ears subsided, I heard nothing but the sound of my own breath. I started turning in place, calling out to Michael to save me. I wasn't sure exactly where I waas, but I could feel mud under my feet. It was warm and gooey as its squished between my toes. I felt my hands sweating. Then a cold breeze blew through my body and a shiver went down my back. With every step I could feel imaginary webs wrapping around my exposed skin. I started randomly swinging at the air, hoping to kill anything that moved in front of me wanting to save myself and my family. I started running, running for my life. I could feel the spiders crawling all over me. As I fell to the ground, I touched down onto a cushion of I V. I was convinced that I would wake up at any moment and realized this was only a dream.