Superpretzel Job # 2828

Job Posting Details

Job # 2828 Superpretzel

Posted Date
Jan 30, 2007 @ 18:28
Respond By
Jan 30, 2007
Word Count
Age Range

Job Description

I have attached the scripts and character descriptions--or contact me via email and I can send you an easier-to-interpret pdf. I need auditions reads asap. One person can read more than one character if they are capable. This project is for web-only, no broadcast.

A NOTE ON THE VOICES: Think of the voices on the cartoons from Adult Swim. Some are almost normal speaking voices. Some are over the top (Meatwad from Aqua Teen Hunger Force), but mostly, the voices are just quirky enough to be engaging and funny. The voices never get in the way of the character or the script. Lastly, if you didn’t see the cartoon, if you could only hear the voices, you would still be able to follow the story. Because the voices are the characters. The very sound of the voice should make us laugh.
The campaign as a whole is designed to look like a very low-budget affair. The pretzels are real, not animated. They move a little stiffly (again, like cartoons on Adult Swim). We’ve found that this sort of authenticity resonates very well with our target audience of 13-17 year olds (mostly male). To give them anything expected is to turn them off immediately. Giving them the expected ceases to entertain and engage them. On the contrary, to do the expected, even with voice characterizations, is to sell to them.
That said, the characters should be broad and a little over the top to start with. Use pop culture as a guide and go from there.

ACTION SNACKTION: Character: Action Snacktion believes pretzels should be eaten with chocolate. Thinks he’s really an action movie star and has only become a SuperPretzeler as a way of getting to Hollywood.

Voice: The easy answer (possibly too easy) is somewhere between Samuel L. Jackson and Mr. T. Something like Eddie Murphy in the first two Beverly Hills Cop movies or Tracy Morgan is not off-base either. Fast talking, sympathetic.

DOUBLEDECKER BROS.: Characters: Dirk and Nigel, aka, the DoubleDecker Brothers, are from the UK and believe all pretzels should be eaten two at a time, stuck together with peanut butter or whatever else you like.

Voices: English rock star accents. Nigel Tufnel and David St. Hubbins from This is Spinal Tap is better than Austin Powers. Other examples that would do well would be Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange; a less drunk Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious in Sid and Nancy; the guy who performs as The Streets (a UK hip-hop act) has a naturally hilarious delivery. Avoid Beatle-esque voices.

CINNAMON & SUGAR: Characters: Cinnamon & Sugar are rich girls from Beverly Hills. They believe you should only eat pretzels with cinnamon and sugar. They got into some legal trouble and were forced to take a job because their parents were going to kick them out.

Voices: The characters are vaguely based on Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, but they sound smarter than that. Valley Girl is good, but it should not be dumb blonde or ditzy.

THE BAVARIAN: Character: An older, authorial type, the Bavarian is a combination of Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Believes the right way to eat a pretzel is “plain and pure.” Hates all “these kids today” with all their dipping in substances like cheese, etc.

Voice: “Plain and Pure” is his catchphrase as is “I must bake you.” Obviously this character is somewhat stock with Arnold and Dolph providing the main reference points. But even so, the voice can be any variation on German/Eastern European.

WASABI: Character: Wasabi grew up farming the great wasabi fields of Nagano Prefecture, Japan. Believes in the Wasabi Way which says that all snacks should be treated equally and should get a long no matter what they are dipped in (even if it isn’t wasabi). The moral center of this universe we are creating.

Voice: Calm, Zen-like. Bruce Lee’s natural speaking voice is a good reference point. Strong. Confident. Somewhat disdainful of those who practice violence (as SuperPretzelers do) to get their point across.

SUPER CAPT. CHS. WIZ.: Character: Super Captain Cheese Wizard is a nerdy collector type. Believes he has super Cheese Wiz powers when he and a jar of Cheez Wiz were left overnight in a faulty microwave oven.

Voice: This is one place where the voice can probably be over the top. Nerd voices are funny all by themselves: Dexter and Mandark, both from Dexter’s Laboratory, as is Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. None of these should be the voice, but that should be the direction.

BIG PIZZA: Character: Big Pizza is from Brooklyn. A math teacher at PS 112. Always says things in math problems like “Sauce plus cheese equals Big Pizza.”

Voice: Not a Brooklyn accent and not an Italian accent. He’s more like Will Ferrell in that he goes from calm to hilariously crazy in a heartbeat. His voice should be normal but his character only has two speeds: “on” and “even more on.”

EL SALSADOR: Character: El Salsador is really Mike McDougal, a junior accountant from Chicago. He hated his boring office job and was in love with the girl in the next cube but couldn’t talk to her. He became El Salsador the to solve both problems. Believes in salsa.

Voice: A fake, but not insulting, accent of some kind. Not necessarily a fake Spanish accent (and not Nacho Libre), but something that sounds romantically European but somewhat off beat.

KATRIN: Character: El Salsador’s girlfriend. She works in the cube next to him. She knows it’s actually Mike McDougal, despite any surprise she might show. She’s as bored with her life as El Salsador and so is along for the SuperPretzeler ride.

Voice: Tina Fey. Sorry to be so simplistic about it.

MUSTARD MIKE: Character: Mustard Mike is the ringside announcer. He used to be a SuperPretzeler back in the old days.

Voice: Somewhere between Michael Buffer and Brent Musburger. Should be hyping things when necessary, at other times he casts a world-weary eye on things.

REPORTER/PAPARAZZI: Character: Merely a man’s voice. Not a character at all.

Voice: As normal as possible. He’s there to prompt talking pretzels, so he doesn’t have to do anything but play it straight.

SSCW’S MOM: Character: Super Captain Cheese Wizard’s Mom is not much of a character. SSCW lives with his mom and as such she has a few lines.

Voice: She should sound like a little bit of a nag, but not mean. Normal voice is key because she’ll be played against one of the more strangely-voiced characters.

POTATO CHIPS: Character: A one-shot voice that harasses Cinnamon & Sugar.

Voice: Mean, taunting. Not high-pitched.

FORMER PRETZELER: Character: Just a former SuperPretzeler, has no backstory. Its existence is sort of a joke on its own.

Voice: Nervous. Muffled in the way that witness protection voices are muffled or disguised.

AGENT SALTSWORTHY: Character: Turns out Mustard Mike was Agent Saltsworthy—Dirk and Nigel’s supposedly dead father—all along.

Voice: Fatherly. Somewhere between Sean Connery and Michael Caine.

WEB VIDEO I: Web Video I is a series of quips from each of the SuperPretzlers on why they are the SuperPretzler who best represents the right way to eat a SuperPretzel. Open on the DoubleDecker Brothers in front of jars of peanut butter and jelly:

DOUBLEDECKER: Stick together.

Cut to Wasabi in front of a peaceful background.

WASABI: There is only the Wasabi Way.

Cut to Action Snacktion in a chocolate hot tub:

ACTION SNACKTION: White chocolate. Chocolate chocolate. And chocolate.

Cut to Super Captain Cheese Wizard jumping into a jar of Cheez Wiz:

SCCW: Ahh!

Cut to Cinnamon and Sugar “pretzeling” in a wrecked hotel room:

CINNAMON: Cinnamon!

SUGAR: Sugar!

CINNAMON: Cinnamon!

SUGAR: Sugar!

CINNAMON: Wait, aren’t we supposed to be fighting someone else?

SUGAR: Oh yeah.

BOTH: Laughter as clouds of cinnamon and sugar fly around. Cut to El Salsador in front of a mirror:


Cut to Big Pizza “running” against a backdrop of Brooklyn:

BIG PIZZA: You like math? Add sauce to cheese and it equals Big Pizza.

Cut to a shot of the Bavarian doing his workout. As he does reps, he talks as though he’s counting:

THE BAVARIAN: Plain . . . Pure . . . Plain . . . Pure . . .

SUPER: SuperPretzeler2007

WEB VIDEO II: Web Video II opens on a press conference between the DoubleDecker Brothers, Dirk and Nigel. The Press Conference “set” is in the background, the DD Brothers are in front of it. They both speak in English accents. They are getting their own, individual TV spot because they are one of the main characters of the campaign.

REPORTER: Off screen:

How are you preparing for the competition?

SUPER: Dirk and Nigel, aka The DoubleDecker Brothers

DIRK: Three words: Always. Stick. Together.

NIGEL: With peanut butter and jelly.

REPORTER: That’s it?

DIRK: Incredulous:

Yeah. That’s it.

NIGEL: D’ya know what we do to single pretzels then?

Cut to shots to the DoubleDecker Brothers fighting Big Pizza as Dirk and Nigel continue to talk as voice overs:

DIRK: Crushes them.

NIGEL: Makes them into little mincey pies, don’t we?

Cut back to Dirk and Nigel

DIRK: Eat two at a time, we say.

NIGEL: And we’ll clean up the microwave with anyone who says different.
WEB VIDEO III: Web Video III is the Origin of Super Captain Cheese Wizard: This should be shot almost like a comic book. There should be word balloons for everything. However it should be photographs rather than illustrations. And SSCW speaks all the words in the word balloons as a voice over:

SSCW: My story begins when I was left overnight in a faulty microwave next to a jar of Cheez Wiz. The radioactive emissions and cheese fumes gave me uncalculated powers.

SSCW’s MOM: Todd, who are you talking to?

SSCW: Nobody, mom!

Thus was Super Captain Cheese Wizard born! But they laughed. Laughed and called me mad.

As he is talking, cut to various shots of the other SuperPretzlers hanging on his wall.

But who’s mad now? Who shall have the last laugh?

Maniacal laughter:

Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! It shall be I!

Cut to a shot of Cinnamon and Sugar

Then we shall be together. And all the world will know the name Super Captain Cheese Wizard!
WEB VIDEO IV: Web Video IV is an interview with The Bavarian as he goes through his workout. He speaks something like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The “set” is a picture of a home gym. In some manner, he is “lifting” a barbell. He gets his own, individual TV spot because he is one of the main characters of the campaign.

REPORTER: Off screen:

How are you getting ready for SuperPretzel2007?

THE BAVARIAN: By training my mind und body. And listen to me now. If you get in ze oven with me, I. Must. Bake. You.

REPORTER: Uh huh. Right. So are you dipping yourself in salsa or getting mustard rubdowns or what?

THE BAVARIAN: NO! Zat’s vat all zees kidz are doing. Dipping und melting. Zey do not understand . . .

Cut to shots of The Bavarian in the ring beating up Action Snacktion. He continues talking as a voice over.

. . . ze power of purity. Zey must be made to understand.

Cut to product shot:

Look. Plain. Pure. Delicious. Zat is how to eat a ZuperPretzel.

Cut back to The Bavarian who continues to “lift” a weight and talk as though he’s counting:

Plain . . . Pure . . . Plain . . . Pure . . .
WEB VIDEO V: Web Video V is called “Big Math with Big Pizza.” Open on a classroom setting with a blackboard behind Big Pizza. As he talks through his math problems, they are drawn out on the blackboard behind him. He doesn’t talk in a Brooklyn accent, but to be funny, he’s more like John Belushi, calm one minute, crazy the next:

REPORTER: Off screen:

Are you ready for . . .

BIG PIZZA: Lesson one! Sauce plus cheese equals Big Pizza.

The problem draws out on the board and at the end there is a little picture of Big Pizza. Then he starts again more calmly:

Next problem: Sauce plus cheese multiplied by a big moustache and an even bigger rolling pin equals so much hurt that it should come with anesthetic.

The problem draws out on the board and at the end there is a picture of someone with their mouth open and a big needle of Novocain being injected.

REPORTER: So cheese and sauce . . .

BIG PIZZA: No! Talking! During! Class!

Comes up and head butts the camera. Then more calmly:

The square root of pizza equals Brooklyn.

REPORTER: You’re a math teacher?

BIG PIZZA: Yes. At PS 112. Your assignment: eat a SuperPretzel with cheese and sauce and stop asking questions or I will beat you.

As he’s talking, he starts tearing down the set—chalkboard, etc.

REPORTER: Uh, security!
WEB VIDEO VI: Bout between Big Pizza and the DoubleDecker Brothers. Open on the product shot. Bring up Super:

SUPER: SuperPretzel 2007
Big Pizza vs the DoubleDecker Brothers

MUSTARD MIKE: The Announcer over the Super and product shot:

And now, let’s get TWISSSSSTEEEEEEED!

Cut to the Pretzeling ring. The Brothers in one corner, Big Pizza in another. Cut to the announcer’s table where we see Mustard Mike, the announcer, sitting next to the Bavarian. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Mustard Mike Bavarian

MUSTARD MIKE: How do you see this match going?



Cut to the bout between the Brothers and Big Pizza.

BIG PIZZA: Sauce plus cheese equals pain.

DIRK: Roight.

NIGEL: Let’s beat ‘im senseless.

THE BAVARIAN: Just look at zees kids. Sauce. Cheese. Peanut butter. Disgusting.

MUSTARD MIKE: But the DoubleDecker Brothers . . .

THE BAVARIAN: . . . Are too much like zeir father. Impulsive.

DIRK: The Brothers have gained an advantage:

Wot if I subtract some cheese.

BIG PIZZA: Screams in pain.

NIGEL: Wot if I subtract some cheese?

BIG PIZZA: Screams in pain.

MUSTARD MIKE: Their father, of course, the late Agent Saltsworthy. A great SuperPretzler. The two of you never liked each other.

MUSTARD MIKE: The two of you never liked each other.


MUSTARD MIKE: He was on a secret mission when he was crushed by a mysterious East German pretzel he was tracking. The DoubleDecker Brothers were forced to raise themselves.

THE BAVARIAN: Boo hoo, Mike. Boo hoo.

The Brothers pin Big Pizza.

DIRK: See, mate? Always. Stick. Together.

NIGEL: Now look at you. Sauce and cheese all over the place.

DIRK: Appalling.

THE BAVARIAN: Vell, he’s right about that.


WEB VIDEO VII: Web Video VII is the Introduction of Action Snacktion. He is shot as he relaxes in a hot tub of chocolate. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Action Snacktion

ACTION SNACKTION: This is not a good time.

REPORTER: Why’s that?

ACTION SNACKTION: Because it’s chocolate time.

REPORTER: 2 o’clock is chocolate time?

ACTION SNACKTION: All time is chocolate time. Did you call my agent? Because my agent didn’t tell me I was going to get microphones stuck in my face during chocolate time.

REPORTER: We called. He said he wasn’t your agent and would we please stop calling.

ACTION SNACKTION: Why isn’t he working on my movie? I got a movie in development.

REPORTER: Right. Your screenplay is called “Action Snacktion Whups Everyone’s Butt.”

ACTION SNACKTION: Yes. It’s about me whuppin’ everyone’s butt. Especially cheesers.

REPORTER: Cheesers?

ACTION SNACKTION: Cheesers. Pretzelers that pump themselves full of cream cheese.

REPORTER: That’s bad?

ACTION SNACKTION: Like baseball and steroids, my friend.

REPORTER: Is there any SuperPretzel cheesing that you know of?

ACTION SNACKTION: I’m not naming names. You go find them.

REPORTER: That’s a big accusation . . .

ACTION SNACKTION: Interview over. Dip it in chocolate, people. Cheesers never win!
WEB VIDEO VIII: Bout between Action Snacktion and the Bavarian. Open on the contenders in the ring. Bring up Super:

SUPER: SuperPretzel 2007
Action Snacktion vs. the Bavarian

MUSTARD MIKE: Over the shot of the ring:

And now, let’s get TWISSSSSTEEEEEEED!

Action Snacktion and the Bavarian “face off” as best pretzels can.

THE BAVARIAN: I must bake you.

ACTION SNACKTION: Keep talking old man.

They fight. Cut to the announcer’s table where we see Mustard Mike sitting next to the DoubleDecker Brothers. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Mustard Mike Dirk & Nigel, aka the DoubleDecker Brothers

MUSTARD MIKE: The Bavarian had some choice words about your father last time.

DIRK: Well he would.

NIGEL: Dad beat him every time.

DIRK: Beat him like a dozen eggs.

Cut back to the ring. Voices continue over:

NIGEL: Sad old man these days.

DIRK: Pretending to be the Bavarian:

I must bake you.

ACTION SNACKTION: Jumps off the ropes and flattens the Bavarian:

You must be a chip, cause you just got dipped!

The Bavarian flips Action Snacktion and pins him.

THE BAVARIAN: Repeat after me: Plain. Pure.

MUSTARD MIKE: The winnerrrrrrr, the BAVARIAAAAAAN!

DIRK: So sad.

NIGEL: Bloody tragedy.

DIRK: And I’m so fond of chocolate.
WEB VIDEO IX: Web Video IX is the introduction of Cinnamon & Sugar. Open on Cinnamon & Sugar in a wrecked hotel room:

VOICE OVER: This is the story of two spoiled rich girls.

Cut to a red carpet shot with flashbulbs going off:

PAPARAZZI: Hey Cinnamon, show us your sparkles!

CINNAMON: Stupid photographers!

She launches herself out of the shot and we hear the photographer make a noise like she’s tackled him. Cut to a shot of Cinnamon & Sugar shopping.

POTATO CHIPS: Off screen:

Hey Sugar, where do you and Cinnamon get your makeup, in the baking aisle at the supermarket?

SUGAR: Stupid potato chips!

She launches herself out of the shot and we hear the chips make a crunching and pained nose as though she’s tackled them.

ANNOUNCER: Who got in a little trouble.

Cut to mug shots of Cinnamon & Sugar.

Got kicked out of the house . . .

Cut to shot of Cinnamon & Sugar outside a mansion surrounded by luggage:

. . . and had to get jobs.

Cut to a shot of Cinnamon & Sugar in the ring standing over Super Captain Cheese Wizard:

CINNAMON: A little cinnamon . . .

SUGAR: . . . a little sugar . . .


CINNAMON: Shut up!

SUGAR: You shut up!

CINNAMON: Potato chip!

SUGAR: Nacho face!
WEB VIDEO X: Web Video X is the introduction of El Salsador. It looks like the intro to a sitcom. Cheap, cheesy music plays under throughout. The video consists of a changing roster of pictures behind El Salsador. Open on El Salsador standing in front of a picture of an apartment interior. He is not dressed as El Salsador, but looks like a plain pretzel. He is no one special. He doesn’t even have an “office guy” costume because he’s so boring. Bring up Super:

SUPER: The Days and Nights of El Salsador

EL SALSADOR: My life was pretty boring. Wake up.

Shot behind changes to a picture of a city bus. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Starring Mike McDougal as El Salsador.

Shot behind changes to the interior of and office building filled with cubicles.

EL SALSADOR: Go to work.

Shot behind changes to a clock that says 5pm.


Shot behind changes back to the shot of the bus.


Shot behind changes back to the shot of the apartment interior.

EL SALSADOR: I did get to see her every day.

Cut to shot of Katrin standing in front of the same office shot we’ve seen before. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Co-starring Cathy Miller as Katrin

Camera moves across the photo of the office to show El Salsador standing in front of it once again.

EL SALSADOR: But she didn’t even know I was alive. Because I was a boring loser. I needed something spicy. I needed . . . SALSA!

The screen wipes and returns to El Salsador now dressed in costume, still standing in front of the office shot.

EL SALSADOR: People started noticing me. I got a raise and a promotion. And I threw it all away for the two things I love, SuperPretzeling and Katrin.

Katrin rushes back into the shot and kisses El Salsador. Fade out.
WEB VIDEO XI: Web Video XI is the bout between Cinnamon & Sugar and Super Captain Cheese Wizard. Open on the contenders in the ring. Bring up Super:

SUPER: SuperPretzel 2007
Super Captain Cheese Wizard vs Cinnamon & Sugar

MUSTARD MIKE: Over the shot of the ring:

And now, let’s get TWISSSSSTEEEEEEED!

SSCW and C&S “face off” as best pretzels can.


SUGAR: Weren’t you taking pictures of us last night?

SSCW: Possibly.

CINNAMON: That was weird. You totally freaked out my dog, Binky.

SSCW: I do not want to hurt you . . .

As he is talking, Sugar throws him down:

SSCW: Yells in pain.

CINNAMON: Do not EVER freak out my dog again.

Cut to the announcer’s table where we see Mustard Mike sitting next to the El Salsador and Katrin. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Mustard Mike El Salsador & Katrin

MUSTARD MIKE: This is kind of sad.

SSCW: Off screen:

But I love yooooooooooo

MUSTARD MIKE: Does anyone need an anti-depressant?

KATRIN: Unrequited love.

EL SALSADOR: When somebody doesn’t even know you’re alive.

KATRIN: And then finally, you get in the ring with them.

Cut back to the ring where SSCW is getting destroyed. Voices continue from off-screen.

EL SALSADOR: And they pound the living cheese dip out of you.

SUGAR: Is this cheese dip? Huh. Not bad.

KATRIN: It is sad, Mike.

EL SALSADOR: Sad and beautiful.

SSCW: But with my powers we could rule the world!

CINNAMON: Um, we already rule the world.

They pin SSCW.

WEB VIDEO XII: Web Video XII is an Action Snacktion press conference where he alleges that some SuperPretzelers may be “cheesing.” Cheesing is injecting cream cheese as a performance enhancer and is to SuperPretzeling as steroids are to major league baseball.

REPORTER: Off-screen:

So you’re alleging that other SuperPretzelers may be . . .

ACTION SNACKTION: Cheesing! That’s right. I said it. Cheesing. Injecting cream cheese!

REPORTER: And this is bad because . . .

ACTION SNACKTION: Like baseball and steroids. Like lip synching your song on national TV. Like you decided to stuff your . . .

REPORTER: . . . Yes. Ok. But cream cheese is . . .

ACTION SNACKTION: Delicious. Not as delicious as chocolate, but yes. It is delicious. On the outside of a pretzel.

REPORTER: It’s not a performance enhancer.

ACTION SNACKTION: Hello. Earth to reporter man. Are you a pretzel?

REPORTER: What does that have to do with . . .

ACTION SNACKTION: No. You are not a pretzel. You got arms. You got legs. You got no idea what this stuff does to kids.

REPORTER: Which SuperPretzelers are cheesing?

ACTION SNACKTION: Oh no. Nonononono. I’m not here to name names. Just look at the evidence. Show the photographs please.

Cut to a before and after shot that has the word Before under a picture of a regular, small twist pretzel (like out of a snack bag or something). This is side-by-side with a picture of a plain SuperPretzel with the word After written underneath. There are black bars across the “eyes” of both pretzels as if to disguise the pretzel’s identity.

REPORTER: But that’s not . . .

ACTION SNACKTION: Interview over. It’s chocolate time!
WEB VIDEO XIII: Web Video XIII is called The Wasabi Way and is the introduction of Wasabi. He is soft spoken and does not even appear at the beginning of the video. Japanese music under throughout. The video is essentially a photo montage. Open on a shot of Mt. Fuji:

WASABI: I grew up farming the great wasabi fields of Nagano Prefecture, Japan.

Cut to a shot of a farm in Japan:

It is hard work when you are a pretzel and have no arms or legs.

Cut to a shot of wasabi peas.

Other snacks laughed. They called me Salty McSaltface. They said wasabi was not for poor pretzels like me.

Cut to a shot of sushi:

I wanted to drown them, slowly, in soy sauce. But this, my father said, was not the Wasabi Way.

Cut to a shot of a village in the rain:

I left my village to teach the Wasabi Way. That all snacks and all pretzels can get along in peace.

Cut to a shot of any sort of SuperPretzeling match:

Even if they are quite foolish and in great need of being cooked in a microwave until they are weeping and shriveled and cry out for mustard.

Cut to a shot of Wasabi against the same background:

I must teach them love. For I am, Wasabi.
WEB VIDEO XIV: Web Video XI is the bout between El Salsador and Wasabi. Open on the contenders in the ring. Bring up Super:

SUPER: SuperPretzel 2007
El Salsador vs Wasabi

MUSTARD MIKE: Over the shot of the ring:

And now, let’s get TWISSSSSTEEEEEEED!

El Salsador and Wasabi “face off” as best pretzels can. El Salsador launches himself at Wasabi and the latter ducks the attack as though El Salsador was a fly. El Salsador lands on his back on the canvas.


WASABI: I do not wish to fight.

EL SALSADOR: Whatever man. Can we just make this look good?

WASABI: What is the sound of one hand snacking?

Cut to the announcer’s table where we see Mustard Mike sitting next to Super Captain Cheese Wizard. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Mustard Mike Super Captain Cheese Wizard

MUSTARD MIKE: Wow does this ever suck.

SSCW: It sure does, Mike. I can’t wait to pulverize these sorry snacks in King of the Ring.

MUSTARD MIKE: You lost to a couple of girls.

SSCW: That was different.

MUSTARD MIKE: But you’re going to beat everyone in the King of the Ring match?

Cut back to the ring. SSCW and Mustard Mike continue as voice overs. El Salsador launches himself again at Wasabi who easily ducks him.

SSCW: Action Snacktion says some will drop out for cheesing.

MUSTARD MIKE: And we always believe things Action Snacktion tells us, now don’t we?

EL SALSADOR: Come on man, my lady’s watching.

WASABI: This is for love?


WASABI: Love is the Wasabi Way.

MUSTARD MIKE: This stinks. Like a death match between a couple of three-bean burritos.

EL SALSADOR: So you’re going to fight?

WASABI: No. I concede to your mad skills.

Wasabi bows to El Salsador.

MUSTARD MIKE: The WINNNNNERRRR . . . eh, El Salsador. Someone call the coroner, I just died of boredom.
WEB VIDEO XV: Web Video XV is an anti-cheesing video called Cheesers Never Win. It looks like a Say No to Drugs commercial from the ‘80s. Open on Cinnamon & Sugar in front of a tub of cream cheese:

CINNAMON: This stuff is bad.

SUGAR: It’s so not hot that it’s, like, cold or something.

Cut to the DoubleDecker Brothers standing over a tub of cream cheese:

DIRK: You know who needs to fill themselves with this?

NIGEL: Old people.

Cut to Super Captain Cheese Wizard standing in front of a tub of cream cheese:

SSCW’S MOM: Off-screen:

Todd, I found this under your bed.

SSCW: That’s not mine, mom. I swear! Stay out of my room!

Cut to El Salsador in front of a tub of cream cheese:

EL SALSADOR: If your friends are telling you to cheese, they’re not your friends.

Cut to Wasabi in front of a tub of cream cheese:

WASABI: Although it is delicious smeared thickly all over the twists of your pretzel body, filling yourself with cream cheese cannot be the wasabi way.

Cut to Big Pizza in front of a tub of cream cheese:

BIG PIZZA: I hate cream cheese. It’s terrible. Mozzarella!

He starts beating the tub with his rolling pin:

Cream cheese plus pretzels equals I hate you!

Cut to the Bavarian in front of a tub of cream cheese:

THE BAVARIAN: Cheesing only giffs you von advantage—a free beating from me. Two vords, kids: plain, pure.

Cut to Action Snacktion in front of a tub of cream cheese:

ACTION SNACKTION: Cheesing is bad. And that ain’t good. Say no to cheese. Choose life.

Bring up Super:

SUPER: Cheesers never win. Winners never cheese.
Paid for by the committee for Action Snacktion to Whup Everyone’s Butt.
WEB VIDEO XVI: Web Video XVI is a press conference at which the DoubleDecker Brothers talk about the upcoming bout between them and Cinnamon & Sugar. Open on the DoubleDecker Brothers against the press conference background:

REPORTER: How do you feel about fighting two girls in the semi-finals?

DIRK: I’m all a-quiver, mate.

NIGEL: If I had boots I’d be shaking in them.


DIRK: ‘Course not. Birds can’t fight, can they?

NIGEL: Well, actually, that one from Manchester . . .

DIRK: Just because she was stronger and faster than me . . . anyway we’ve got a strategy.

REPORTER: Care to share?

NIGEL: That would be unsporting, wouldn’t it?

REPORTER: The winner fights the winner of the El Salsador, Bavarian bout. Which one makes you more nervous?

DIRK: Nervous? You mean nauseous.

NIGEL: Yeah, Bavarian definitely makes us more nauseous.

DIRK: I think I’m going to throw up. PLAIN!

As he says “Plain,” he bends over and it looks and sounds like he’s throwing up. The same happens next on Nigel’s line:



NIGEL: Oh, look at that, peanut butter!
WEB VIDEO XVII: Web Video XVII is a press conference at which Cinnamon & Sugar talk about the upcoming bout between them and the DoubleDecker Brothers. Open on Cinnamon & Sugar against the press conference background:

REPORTER: The DoubleDecker Brothers say girls can’t fight.

CINNAMON: Whatever.

SUGAR: Why are boys so stupid?

CINNAMON: That Wasabi guy is kind of smart.

SUGAR: Yeah. I mean, seriously, all these boys are fighting about toppings.

REPORTER: Who’s a bigger threat? El Salsador or the Bavarian?

CINNAMON: Salsa’s totally yummy.

SUGAR: Yeah but ew, the Bavarian? He’s like all old and stuff.

CINNAMON: I don’t want to fight an old person. That’s not hot.

REPORTER: What are you going to do after the competition is over?

SUGAR: Beats me.

CINNAMON: Probably something boring.

SUGAR: I hate being bored.

CINNAMON: Maybe start a league where we get to beat up stupid potato chips.

SUGAR: And cheese curls.

CINNAMON: Cheese curls are so dumb.
WEB VIDEO XVIII: Web Video XVII is a press conference at which the Bavarian talks trash about everybody. Open on the Bavarian against the press conference background:

REPORTER: You made the DoubleDecker Brothers sick.

BAVARIAN: Zat is ze best news I’ve heard all day.

REPORTER: Cinnamon and Sugar say you’re too old.

BAVARIAN: Ze substances have warped zeir minds.

REPORTER: Wasabi says all the pretzels should just get along no matter what they’re topped with.

BAVARIAN: Again with ze substances. Is worse than cheesing.

REPORTER: Speaking of which, Action Snacktion alleges there’s cheesing in professional SuperPretzeling.

BAVARIAN: If he is not filled with cheese, he is filled with lies.

REPORTER: What about your upcoming bout against El Salsador?

BAVARIAN: I grow veary of your questions. Don’t you vant to ask me if I am cheesing? If I want to destroy ze stupid DoubleDeckers?

REPORTER: Um, do you?

BAVARIAN: I do not now, nor have I ever cheesed. And I hope upon all zat iss plain and pure zat ze children of Agent Saltsvorthy can beat a couple of girls so zat I may crush zem in ze finals under ze weight of my superior pretzelness!

REPORTER: Ok, not sure what that means but thanks.
WEB VIDEO XIX: Web Video XIX is the bout between the DoubleDecker Brothers and Cinnamon & Sugar. Open on the contenders in the ring. Bring up Super:

SUPER: SuperPretzel 2007
The DoubleDecker Brothers vs Cinnamon & Sugar

MUSTARD MIKE: Over the shot of the ring:

And now, let’s get TWISSSSSTEEEEEEED!

The brothers and the girls “face off” as best four pretzels can in a small ring.

DIRK: All right then, ladies, if you’ll just give up then . . .

Cinnamon flies at them and knocks them sideways.


MUSTARD MIKE: Looks like the DoubleDecker’s strategy is not exactly working.

Cut to Mustard Mike at ringside with the Bavarian. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Mustard Mike The Bavarian

BAVARIAN: That’s what they get for using substances.

MUSTARD MIKE: Will you shut up about substances? I mean, look at you, you look like a white cheddar cheese puff.

BAVARIAN: Vatch it, Mike.

MUSTARD MIKE: Why? I used to slap the salt off you back in the old days. You couldn’t stand up to a stick of gum.

BAVARIAN: I am varning you.

MUSTARD MIKE: And Saltsworthy used to call you the German Joke.

BAVARIAN: Agent Saltsworthy was a disgrace to SuperPretzeling.


DIRK: ‘E can’t say that about dad, can ‘e?

NIGEL: Roight. Time to turn up the ultraviolence.

They launch themselves out of the ring and start beating on the Bavarian.


SUGAR: What’s going on?

DIRK: Excuse us Mike.

They continue to fight with the Bavarian:

NIGEL: Dad got crushed, you know.

DIRK: We had to raise ourselves.

NIGEL: And we always . . .

DIRK: . . . stick . . .

DIRK AND NIGEL: . . . together!

CINNAMON: Cinnamon & Sugar have jumped out of the ring and are helping to beat up the Bavarian:

You guys grew up without a dad?

SUGAR: You only had each other?

CINNAMON: That is so sweet.

SUGAR: I love you.

CINNAMON: I love you.

BAVARIAN: And I hate all of you.

MUSTARD MIKE: Gets between all of them:

Well the feelings’ mutual. You, muscle jerk, you’re outta here.

BAVARIAN: I’ll be back.

DIRK: Did you write that line yourself?

SUGAR: This is so stupid.

CINNAMON: I hate having a job.

SUGAR: Yeah, I don’t want to touch that guy again.

CINNAMON: You guys win.


SUGAR: So you guys want to go get coffee or something?
WEB VIDEO XX: Web Video XX is the bout between the Bavarian and El Salsador. Open on the contenders in the ring. Bring up Super:

SUPER: SuperPretzel 2007
The Bavarian vs El Salsador

The contenders “face off” as best pretzels can.

MUSTARD MIKE: Over the shot of the ring:

And now, let’s get TWISSSSSTEEEEEEED!

The two “face off” as best pretzels can. There is a jar of salsa over in El Salsador’s corner.

BAVARIAN: I must bake you.

EL SALSADOR: Oh yeah? Well bring it, old man.

They fight.

BAVARIAN: You know vat is wrong vith you kids today?

EL SALSADOR: Let me guess . . .

Lands a blow or move to the Bavarian:

. . . I have no respect for my elders?

Cut to Mustard Mike and Katrin at ringside:


KATRIN: That’s what he gets for being old.

BAVARIAN: Cut back the ring where the Bavarian gets up then picks up El Salsador and spins him over his head:

You hide behind your mask, and behind zees substances.

EL SALSADOR: Seriously, man. It’s just a job.

BAVARIAN: Vat are you hiding from?

MUSTARD MIKE: As voice over:

He should be hiding from that jar of salsa he’s headed towards.

The Bavarian throws El Salsador into the jar of salsa.

BAVARIAN: Who are you!

As he says this, he pulls El Salsador out of the jar of salsa and we see that El Salsador no longer has his mask on. He then throws El Salsador out of the ring and into Katrin and Mustard Mike at the ringside table:

KATRIN: Oh my g-- . . . Mike?

EL SALSADOR: Yeah, it’s me.

MUSTARD MIKE: Why didn’t you look under his mask? I would have.

KATRIN: I kind of always knew it was you.

EL SALSADOR: But you never noticed me at work. You didn’t even know I was alive.

BAVARIAN: You are not going to be alive much longer.

EL SALSADOR: Shut up! I’m bored. You take this way too seriously. Why would anyone eat a plain pretzel?

To Katrin:

Do you love me?

KATRIN: . . . yes!

EL SALSADOR: Then there’s only one thing left to say. SALSA! I quit!

They “kiss” as best pretzels can.


That’s so beautiful. The winner, even though he has no friends and no one likes eating plain pretzels, the Bavarian.

BAVARIAN: I’ll be back.

MUSTARD MIKE: Yeah, and why don’t you go inject some more cheese. Maybe it’ll help you be original.
WEB VIDEO XXI: Web Video XXI is the promo for King of the Ring. Open on an action shot of any SuperPretzelers. This should be made up of scenes from previous bouts. An action shot punctuates each line of copy below:

ACTION SNACKTION: On September 12 . . .

CINNAMON: . . . it’s time . . .

SUGAR: . . . to get . . .


EL SALSADOR: With so much salsa . . .

Shot of salsa hitting a Pretzeler.

SSCW: . . . too much cheese . . .

Shot of cheese sauce hitting a Pretzeler.

ACTION SNACKTION: . . . all this chocolate . . .

Shot of chocolate sauce hitting a Pretzeler.

WASABI: . . . just enough wasabi . . .

Shot of a Pretzeler screaming in wasabi pain.

BIG PIZZA: . . . some sauce . . .

Sauce flies at a Pretzeler.

. . . some more cheese . . .

Cheese flies at the same Pretzeler.

CINNAMON: . . . a little bit of cinnamon . . .

Shot of a Pretzeler in a cloud of cinnamon glitter.

SUGAR: . . . and a little bit of sugar . . .

Shot of a Pretzeler in a cloud of sugar glitter.

MUSTARD MIKE: Things are definitely . . .

Cut to action shot.

WASABI: . . . going to get . . .

Cut to action shot.

SSCW: . . . messy!

Bring up Super:

SUPER: Seven SuperPretzelers enter.

Only one can leave.

King of the Ring.

September 12. 7pm.

WEB VIDEO XXII: Web Video XXII is the press conference for King of the Ring. Open on a wide shot of all the SuperPretzelers against the press conference background:

REPORTER: So who’s going to win?

ALL: Yelling and screaming over each other. Wasabi breaks through the argument:

WASABI: Silence!


Each of you has already lost.

EL SALSADOR: You going to talk us to death?

WASABI: I have failed to teach the Wasabi Way. I must now abandon the path so that I may kick the living salt out of each of you.

ACTION SNACKTION: Not on chocolate time you’re not.

SSCW: Ha ha, your puny chocolate is no match for my cheese power!

EL SALSADOR: Listen, cheese dork, you have no power.

BIG PIZZA: And salsa boy, minus mask, equals . . .

CINNAMON: It equals shut up!

SUGAR: Seriously. I mean, Wasabi totally believes in something.

CINNAMON: It’s about more than just being a pretzel.

SUGAR: It’s about building a world where pretzels live in harmony, regardless of their toppings.


BIG PIZZA: Noooooo!

ACTION SNACKTION: It’s chocolate time!

He launches himself at the nearest pretzel and a melee breaks out. Wasabi removes himself from the brawl and walks off screen:

WASABI: Fools. If they will not learn the Wasabi Way, I shall beat it into them.
WEB VIDEO XXIII: Web Video XXIII is the King of the Ring match. Open on the ring with all the SuperPretzelers inside except the DoubleDecker Brothers and the Bavarian who will appear as color commentators alongside Mustard Mike. Bring up Super:

SUPER: SuperPretzel 2007
King of the Ring

MUSTARD MIKE: Over the shot of the ring:

And now, let’s get TWISSSSSTEEEEEEED!

WASABI: I shall give you all one last chance.

ACTION SNACKTION: It’s chocolate time, horseradish boy.

He throws himself at Wasabi who throws him out of the ring. Most of the fight will be seen from the ringside table perspective. The fight is pretty much each SuperPretzeler launching at Wasabi and being thrown out of the ring, yelling all the way.

MUSTARD MIKE: Look at the little green guy go!

Wasabi throws Action Snacktion out of the ring.

BAVARIAN: If I vasn’t training for ze opportunity to crush zese two, I vould be in there, baking everyone.

DIRK: No mate, we’re training. You’ve just got a lot of cheesing to do.

Wasabi throws SSCW out of the ring.

BAVARIAN: You know Mike, I think I may not vait to beat some purity into zeez two.

NIGEL: Oh look Dirk, ‘e’s coming at us thong-first. Wot will we do?

Wasabi throws El Salsador out of the ring.

DIRK: Stick together, mate!

BAVARIAN: I never liked you. I never liked your father . . .

MUSTARD MIKE: Trying to hold them apart:

Save it for the ring . . .

BAVARIAN: And I never liked you, Mike.

Sends Mustard Mike flying as Wasabi throws Big Pizza out of the ring.

The Bavarian and the Brothers fight.

BAVARIAN: I beat your father, and now I vill beat you.

DIRK: You beat dad?

NIGEL: When? You never beat him.

BAVARIAN: Ve had a private fight just before he vas crushed. He never fought again.

Wasabi throws Cinnamon out of the ring.

DIRK: You think he knows something?

NIGEL: Yeah. I do. Don’t let him run!

The Bavarian pushes both of them out of the way and rushes off as Sugar comes flying out of the ring on top of the Brothers.

DIRK: ‘Allo, love.

NIGEL: Let’s go get a German pretzel then, eh?

SUGAR: Did he crush your father?

DIRK: Well, we’re going to find that out, aren’t we?

MUSTARD MIKE: The winnerrrrrrr, WASABI!

WEB VIDEO XXIV: Web Video XXIV is an investigative report on everything bad going on in SuperPretzeling. Open on a shot of the empty SuperPretzeling ring.

REPORTER: The once peaceful world of SuperPretzeling has been torn apart by insults, allegations, substance abuse and possibly crushing.

Bring up Super:

SUPER: Cheesing.

Cut to shot of Action Snacktion from his press conference:

Like steroids to pro sports.

Cut to a “witness protection” blacked-out Former SuperPretzeler. Bring up Super:

“Former SuperPretzeler”

FORMER PRETZELER: I landed a blow and I saw cheese. Maybe he had an accent. Maybe he didn’t. That’s all I’m saying.

Bring up next Super:

Unexplained Crushing.

Cut to the DoubleDecker Brothers training for their final bout:

DIRK: Our dad was crushed.

NIGEL: I think the old German knows more than ‘e’s sayin’, don’t ‘e?

DIRK: Don’t matter though. We’ve got a bout comin’ up. He shouldn’t even show up.

Cut to the Bavarian from his press conference:

I do not now, nor heff I ever cheesed.

Cut to the Bavarian working out:

BAVARIAN: Plain . . . pure . . . plain . . .

REPORTER: Off screen:

How do you answer the allegations that you know something about the crushing of Agent Saltsworthy, the DoubleDecker Brothers’ father?

BAVARIAN: No comment. Plain . . . pure . . .

REPORTER: The only thing clear is that we’ll have to wait for the answers. Which could come as soon as the final bout between the Bavarian and the DoubleDecker Brothers. Until then, we can only get twisted and wait.

WEB VIDEO XXV: Web video XXV is the promo for the final bout between the Bavarian and the DoubleDecker Brothers. Open on a shot of Agent Saltsworthy and bring up Super:

SUPER: Like father

Cut to shot of the DoubleDecker Brothers training, bring up Super:

Like sons.

Cut to shot of the Bavarian from the King of the Ring:

BAVARIAN: I beat your father, and now I vill beat you.

Cut to the shot of the DoubleDecker Brothers training:

NIGEL: I think the old German knows more than ‘e’s sayin’, don’t ‘e?

Over various shots of the Bavarian and the Brothers fighting different opponents, bring up Supers:


Bring up next Super:


Bring up next Super:


Bring up next Super:

Things are about to get

Bring up next Super:


MUSTARD MIKE: As a voice over:

And now, let’s get TWISSSSSTEEEEEEED!

Bring up Super:

SuperPretzel 2007
October 5
WEB VIDEO XXVI: Web Video XXVI is the final bout between the DoubleDecker Brothers and the Bavarian. Open on the empty ring:

MUSTARD MIKE: As voice-over:

It has come down to this. One battle. Three pretzels. Sons building on a father’s legacy. And an old pretzel with something to prove. Are you ready? Because I am.

And now, let’s get TWISSSSSTEEEEEEED!

DIRK: To Nigel:

Let’s stick together.

NIGEL: For queen. For country.

DIRK: For Cinnamon. For Sugar.

NIGEL: For dad. Right then.

Bell rings. They square off with the Bavarian.

DIRK: Say it old man.

BAVARIAN: I. Must. Ba . . .

In mid-sentence, the Brothers deal him a staggering blow. The Bavarian gets up and they continue fighting. Cut to the announcer’s table where Cinnamon & Sugar have joined Mustard Mike.

CINNAMON: I so do not like that Bavarian guy.

SUGAR: I know. And I mean ew, a thong?

MUSTARD MIKE: He’s plain. He’s pure. He has no friends.

DIRK: You ready to spin?

NIGEL: Like a set of 22-inch rims, mate.

DIRK: Let’s do it, then.

They start spinning very fast.

MUSTARD MIKE: Oh dang! The spin!

SUGAR: The what?

MUSTARD MIKE: When they spin the other way, the gravitational force will knock the insides out of whatever they hit.


SUGAR: That’s kind of convenient to the story, isn’t it?

The Brothers spin back the other way and crash into the Bavarian. In slow motion, the Bavarian is thrown backwards and cream cheese flies out of him.

CINNAMON: Wow. Didn’t see that one coming.

BAVARIAN: Yelling in pain:

Ahhhrrghh! My cheese! I need more cheese!

The Brothers are holding him down.

DIRK: Who crushed our father?


NIGEL: Talk or you’re going to go plain and pure, really fast. Who crushed our dad?

BAVARIAN: I did it. He caught me with a case of cream cheese and I crushed him.

MUSTARD MIKE: Takes off his mask to reveal that he is Agent Saltsworthy:

‘Ello boys.

DIRK: Dad?

NIGEL: Is that you?

AGENT SALTSWORTHY: Course it is. This is a commercial. It’s got to have a happy ending doesn’t it?

BAVARIAN: But I crushed you.

AGENT SALTSWORTHY: That was my robot double.

CINNAMON: This is so weird.

DIRK: Well he is a spy, you know. He’s got all that spy stuff.

NIGEL: You never called. You never wrote. Where were you?

DIRK: And where’s Mustard Mike?

AGENT SALTSWORTHY: He retired to Florida. So to keep this cheesing fool from trying to crush me again, I’ve pretended to be Mike ever since. I watched out for you two. Made sure you always had peanut butter to stick together with.

NIGEL: Yeah. I guess you did.

SUGAR: Wow. That is so awesome.

CINNAMON: You know what else would be awesome? If we all drove off into the sunset after we drove him to jail.

DIRK: Yeah. I guess that would be pretty fun.

Cut to shot of them driving off into the sunset and the Bavarian flying out of the car into a building that says Jail.

Cut to a shot of SSCW and Action Snacktion. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Action Snacktion sold his movie “Action Snacktion Whups Everyone’s Butts” to Hollywood. It co-starred Super Captain Cheese Wizard as his sidekick. To date, the movie, DVD, franchise tie-ins and video game sales have totaled over $500 million. A sequel “Action Snacktion Whups Everyone on Other Planets Butts” is in the works.

Cut to a shot of El Salsador and Katrin. Bring up Super:

SUPER: El Salsador and Katrin did what every office worker wants to do: move to Mexico and open a fish taco stand. El Salsador changed his name to El Pescador—the fisherman. Because fish tacos are delicious even if you can’t really eat them on a pretzel.

Cut to a shot of Wasabi. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Wasabi decided to walk the earth, teaching the Wasabi Way. He only walked as far as Brooklyn where he ran into Big Pizza.

Slide the photo over so that it includes Big Pizza as well.

A math teacher at PS 112, Big Pizza got Wasabi a job as the school’s martial arts instructor so that all the little snacks could learn to get along no matter what they were topped with.

Cut to a shot of the Bavarian. Bring up Super:

SUPER: The Bavarian is still in jail and he still has no friends.

Cut to a shot of Agent Saltsworthy. Bring up Super:

SUPER: With the Bavarian behind bars, Agent Saltsworthy went back to fighting crime in the world of snack foods. Seriously, though. Except for people putting caramel where it doesn’t belong, there isn’t much snack crime to fight.

Cut to shot of the Brothers and Cinnamon & Sugar. Bring up Super:

SUPER: Dirk, Nigel, Cinnamon and Sugar moved to the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn (not far from Wasabi and Big Pizza) where they formed a band called the Pretzel Pretzel Pretzels. They’ve sold 200 copies of their self-titled CD. This would be a problem if Cinnamon and Sugar weren’t rich.

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