Back to Peter's Profile

Letters From A Christmas Elf

0:00
0:00
Voice Over • Audiobooks
58

Description

One of Santa’s trusty Elves is assigned to report on the Johnstons. He follows the lives of Kirsten & Kurt and their eight children, along with a few cats and a dog. The family has gotten older, but wisdom still eludes them as they continue to find new ways to get laughed at without even trying.

Read More

Vocal Characteristics

Language

English (North American)

Voice Age

Middle Aged (35-54)

Accents

US General American (GenAm)

Transcript

Note: Transcripts are generated using speech recognition software and may contain errors.
Dear Santa. I am so happy to have graduated from Elf training school and have my very own family to report on for you. I suspect my schooling didn't truly prepare me for the real world of reporting on the Johnston family. Hairston recovered in time to enjoy the honeymoon in Yellowstone, Yellowstone for a honeymoon, either cane KR really poor where they have an utter lack of adventure. I'll keep you posted on that. They actually managed to have an adventure like the night they were enjoying their honeymoon, uh, sorry Onley to hear a knock on the door, followed by the sound of the knob rattling and Kirsten's father asking, How seriously should I take this? Do not disturb sign. Yep, Kirsten's parents were having a difficult time cutting the cord with their firstborn and decided to follow them to Yellowstone for a vacation of their own. With five of Kirsten siblings. Ellis three. Warning. The following material is rated PG Pretty gross. For some reason, the kids found the phrase you poop in your pants to be supremely hilarious this year. Ellis particularly got a kick out of saying it, perhaps because she really did it. One day, Kirsten had all five kids with her at Wal Mart. They came across a friendly man and one of the aisles, and Ellis gave him a cheerful high. The man responded in kind. Then Ellis really charmed him with you pooping your pants. Imagine Kirsten's horror. The man laughed and said, Not anymore, I don't. By this time, Kirsten was frantically trying to leave the ill. How fast can you move with five kids in a full shopping cart? Apparently not fast enough. As they raced away, Ellis repeatedly yelled with increasing volume, You poop in your pants! This kid is so busy becoming best friends with everyone she meets. She can't keep track of anything. She lost four pairs of shoes this summer alone. I mean, she enjoys talking to people as much as Maren enjoys ignoring them, For example, here comes the exterminator to spray the house. Analysts follows him all over, providing running commentary. I'm in preschool. My daddy's at work. Where you here? There's a cat four years old. What, Your name? How do you think you're getting me all time? Finally, the bug guy escapes to spray outside. Alice simply opens the window, so she can continue our conversation. Didn't curtain Kirsten decide they would never leave Arkansas, especially come back to this frigid in the winter, mosquito infested in the summer place. So what happened? Two things. One global warming and to the leak. Shortly after came que moved to Arkansas, they discovered a small leak above the dining room window. Kurt, 36 spent about 100 hours and ah, lot of money trying to identify and fix the leak. Then there was the night when K and K had to call poison control twice in less than 1/2 hour. First, Lily was walking around, licking an ant trap like a Popsicle. A short while later, she was found guzzling unknown amounts of mouthwash. She also eats dog and cat food. So what does this say about her culinary I Q. When Kirsten made the second call, the woman said, Didn't your husband call about this child a few minutes ago? We're not making attempts on her own life. Lilly tones things down, amusing herself by dumping out full boxes of cereal, flooding the kitchen, dumping out full garbage cans and sorting everything via the random throwing method. Anna, 19 has finally figured it all out. During a moment of coaching one of her misguided siblings, she established her credentials with I'm a logical Person. Maybe not when I was in high school, but I am now. Such impeccable logic was on full display one night, as she opined, Kits are so dependent it's pathetic. Then she finished her meal, provided by K and K, got into the car, provided, insured and fueled by K and K, hung out with Friends Til Midnight and returned home to sleep in the bed provided by que in que But she's Not Dependent hurt 45. Early in the year, a lunatic Robin decided to start attacking the Johnston's house, incessantly pecking on the windows. Kurt took the highly effective approach of throwing rocks at it every morning in his pajamas. I can only imagine what all the neighbors thought after Katie, probably not much. Then the robin escalated the conflict. He started picking their cars and pooping on them. After weeks of stalking, the deranged burnt have become familiar with its tendencies. Are we sure it's the bird who's deranged? Kurt was found crouched in the back seat of the car with the windows open and a Red Ryder BB gun