Audiobook Chapter for a Comedy Spy Novel
Description
Vocal Characteristics
Language
EnglishVoice Age
Young Adult (18-35)Accents
North American (General)Transcript
Note: Transcripts are generated using speech recognition software and may contain errors.
Sterling episode one, humble beginnings. Check, check 1212. I hope this thing is working. Hey, Keith, I'm starting this recording to document my boss Max Sterling and his kick *** adventures. I don't know how to accurately describe him because I'm not some writer person. That's why I use his voice recorder. Fancy words for nerds words are for Nerds Dam. Yes, I am good at this. Max is some kind of spy or agent or some dude you hire to get something you want. I'm not entirely sure the dude's a killer though and he gets tons of hot chicks. Big boobs, nice spots. Slays picture like Austin powers but not so goofy looking or like James Bond, but he's not always that good at getting out of trouble. Maybe, maybe like Archer. I don't know. Uh The only part that sucks about this gig is dealing with his dumb *** psychic. Barry hate Barry. He has that kind of face. You just want to punch, doesn't even need to say anything. You just look at him and instantly hate him. Have you ever met those people? He's fat. He's a Yeah, Barry. I said fat I freaking hate. You got freaking sucks. Honestly, I sometimes don't even know why I was asked to do this. I went to Cala Mesa State Junior Community College and got my degree in drinking, not note taker or whatever this is. I met Max at a bar a while back. We got ****** up on PB RS and Fireball sang karaoke together and he told me about this cool ****. He does and how he wants someone to document his adventures. He offered me 100 and 50,000 a year. So, **** yeah, I took it. I'd like to think we've become friends since then. Uh Right now we're traveling to boss. Where are we going? Rania? Isn't that where they film the Lion King? I guess there's some prince who wants Max to steal a spear that he says will help get him his land back. It's a freaking spear should use like a nuke or something. Maybe he could get a regular stick, put some of that glow in the dark paint on it and a night pull a baby out and say it has magic powers and if they don't leave his land, he'll curse them. That's what I'd do. I think this trip will be interesting. Max hasn't necessarily been himself since that she devil Sander cheated on him and left him for his brother. The dude's not even a kick *** spy. He's an elementary school teacher. Max. Your brother sucks, dude. He's a ****. He's still better than Barry though. It's the first time I saw Max Fall for a chick. He normally just hooks up with them and bounces good old smashing dash. He had me sit in one time so I could film his performance. I wanted to submit it to an adult website, I guess. But he said he paid me 10-K to film it. So, of course, I said yes. But the dude premature ja the chick was ******, laughed and stormed out. I kind of laughed as well. And after she left, he swore up and down, that never happens and told me to make sure I erase any evidence of that. He said he was stressed and didn't get much sleep the night before because he was plowing some Italian lady for hours and plus with the upcoming mission, he needed to focus plus some new gadgets he has to get used to something about the time of year and how unseasonably warm it was. He just, he just had a lot on his mind. He swore his sex games on point and that wasn't his usual uh with the amount he's paying me, he can say whatever he wants. Plus this private jet we're on right now is sweet. I get to ride in style, drink as much as I want, get freaking blitzed and not have to worry about some regular plane ride with some mom and stupid *** kids kicking and crying. All over. People suck. This one time. I was Yeah, I lost. I was just saying people suck. Alright, fine. I'll get back to work documenting your ****. Ok? So this past adventure, Max and Barry were asked to guard this painting in a museum which rumor had it was the target of a professional thief. They were hired to catch this person as they had been stealing other paintings from different museums. I guess these places had some ****** security or something. The painting was being shipped in for some European place and Max had the museum put out a social media post about the new edition and when it would be on display setting a trap, my dude is wicked smart. What? Oh, and I was told to mention master spy extraordinaire kind of weird thing to self brag about. So the day the painting arrived, my boy Max and Captain ******* Barry set up ways they wanted to lure the thief in and how they were gonna trap him. They set silent alarms triggered by these invisible laser things that would only notify them. Uh when someone was entering the building and other ones around to know the moment the person was in the room with the painting fancy ****, I guess. I don't know. Uh Then we hid in the room and waited about 11:45 p.m. Boom. First sensor was triggered. Thief was entering through the roof. I was fired up like crazy anxious a few minutes later, the sensor in the room went off, but we couldn't see a damn thing. Suddenly we saw this figure in all black moving slowly against the wall, inching their way closer to the painting, but pausing off and kind of sensing like something was up. I moved around like a ninja though or definitely professional Max then had Barry turn on the lights which surprisingly didn't startle the thief. Max ran out and confronted the person in his traditional perfectly tailored navy blue suit. Sorry. Yes, I mean, he casually walked out like a boss. When Max got to the front of the painting, the thief walked out, took off their mask and it was a smoking hot chick, long dark hair, full lips, smoky complexion around her eyes. It was, she was sexy. Max unfazed by this referred to her as Lexi, I guess some person he knew from before I got here. So I'll skip that boring ****. She asked Max, is that ugly, fat *** piece of ****, Barry still working for you? Uh Fine Barry, I'll keep that out. But you know, that's what she was thinking. They greeted each other and she began to say how no matter what she was walking out of here with this painting, Max would laugh as if it was just a funny joke. She said, then she pulled out a sword and honestly, dude, I was scared, she began to move her way to Max got close enough and started attacking my dude trying to slash him. You should have seen stud fight. He was dodging everything she threw at him. She'd swing away but couldn't connect. Then he kicked her in the chest, sitting her, falling back and knocking the sword out of her hand. By that time, slow moving Barry got off his *** and was in there fine. Maybe you got one or two good punches in Happy Barry, all three were kicking, punching, probably some biting, definitely spinning. When she threw a smoke bomb thing down, disoriented all of us and when it got cleared, she was gone. Total ninja move when it was all gone. Max and Barry gathered themselves, looked around, confused and then noticed not only was Lexi gone, but the painting was gone too. Max looked at me and asked what I saw and I was like, bro, I was smoke bombed as well. I didn't see anything. Max began to run out of the room and see if he could chase her down. Maybe find out where she was headed. We began to follow him, bury well behind until we got to the front door of the museum and saw Lexi on a zip line thing above us headed to the apartment building across the street. Max booked it across the street into the alley and dropped a ladder thing from above him where he began to climb up these back and forth stairs. Those go to people's balconies. No ****. Interesting being as there was no way all of us could make it up there. Max told us to each take a side around the building and alert him if we saw her. Now, I may be a hit with the ladies, but I am no Max Sterling. I have zero skills in stopping a thief or defending myself. Still, I decided to go around the left side and be the best lookout possible. As I quietly turned the corner to the back alley of the building, I could see Lexi talking to a guy or another woman. I don't know, but they were tall. They saw me and instantly started walking away causing Lexi to turn around and head my way. I began to **** my pants. I'm not a fighter and I am sure she can smell fear as she got close. I pleaded with her not to kill me. I I might have picked, she grabbed my shirt, got in my face, asked me who I was and why I was working with Max? I told her that I was nobody and that I was just hired to document his adventures. She surprisingly began to laugh. Typical Max has he mentioned me? She asked, I told her no, explain that he has many a lady friend and honestly is hard to keep up. She rolls her eyes and begins to tell me that she's Max's sister. Well, stepsister and they were close as orphans grew up staying really close until she followed her life of crime. They haven't talked much since. And Max is always trying to get her to stay good at that moment though. She began to lick her lips. Size me up and asked me if we could have dirty nasty sex right there in the bro. I didn't tell you that part. Oh, dude, she totally wanted to **** me. You could see it in her eyes. Well, you weren't there. So how would you know, just ask her? She'll tell you anyways. I was totally going to bone Max's sister, but I figured the mission was more important. I knew that if I had kept her talking, it would be a matter of time before Max came. She talked about us getting married and me planting little baby Keith all up in her and settling down, dude. Can I tell the story or what? As she was distracted? That's when Max the Amazing, you're welcome came swooping down, gave her a good bop on the head and knocked her out cold. Where was Barry? Hm. Good question. Probably stopped for donuts or some ****. That ***. I began to tell Max all about the person I saw and their little interaction.
Tags
Everyman, Heckler, Regular Joe, Real Person, Abrupt, Aged, Funny, Quirky, Trustworthy, Wacky, Whimsical, Youthful, North American (General)