Excerpt from Shattered Soul: An Angel Parent's Journey
Vocal Characteristics
Language
EnglishVoice Age
Middle Aged (35-54)Accents
North American (General)Transcript
Note: Transcripts are generated using speech recognition software and may contain errors.
my darling Mr Man, I write this letter to you knowing that you'll never read it. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Oh, well, such is your mommy. I know that years have passed since I last held you and last heard your voice. But I still remember them is if they were yesterday. I wonder about so much. I wonder what you would have looked like on your first day of school prom, graduation day and the day you would have gotten married. I wonder how you would have tried to rebel against me in your teenage years And what crazy things you would have done with your friends. All of those things will stay in the i Wonder category for the rest of my life because you will never do them. It has taken me time to come to terms with that. But it gets easier each day. I miss you more than I can ever tell you. But you know because I know you miss me too. My life was never designed to be easy. I knew this from a very early age. However, I never would have imagined that it would have been this difficult to cope. Some days are easier. I can keep busy with everyday things. But other days, other days I just long toe hold you in my arms and I can't stop feeling that way. You have such a beautiful soul. And I knew that from the day I found out I was pregnant with you. I knew from that first day that you were going to be someone special. Yes, I know that Devon and Rachel are just a special, But you were different from the get go from the day you were born. I saw something different in you. Like you understood things we never would. Perhaps that is what this was all about. You came to give me a gift and insight of sorts, and that was all. Perhaps you were here to teach us. Saw something about ourselves and your death was how that was done. I know that each day that passes is a day farther away from the last time I held you. And one day closer to when I get to do it again, I watched Devon and Rachel is they get older, and I know that you would have fit in perfect as you got older you would have even both of them out in your own way. Devon still misses you and does things his own way. You would be proud of your big brother. He's definitely turned into a remarkable young man. He is far removed from the big boy he was when you left us. His age puts him at almost in adult. But from what he's been through, he's much older and wiser and in some ways jaded. There are things he has had to go through, and I couldn't change or keep him from. He is still proud that he has a baby brother, but part of him is with you and always will be. Rachel still talks about you. When something comes up that sparks the memory for her, it really is remarkable as to how much she does remember. Unfortunately, the biggest memory for her is that you passed away. Hopefully, as she gets older, she'll start to remember mawr of the stories that we share with her, and things will stick in her memory. I wrote this book for you, Zach. I wrote this so that the memory of you could be shared with so many others. I also wrote this toe honor the memories of all the other little angels that I know are with you. So many other parents have gone through the same pain ideal with every day. And I know that unfortunately, more will come in the future. That is the part that makes me really sad that other parents will know this pain of losing a child. I know that you aren't in pain, and I know that for whatever reason, you couldn't stay with me. But that doesn't lessen the hurt or the hole in my heart. Your big sister is in school and your big brother is almost done, and I can't for the life of me figure out where the time is gone. The days go by so fast now, sometimes one running into the other. Before I realized it, my first thoughts of the day air still of you, Devon and Rachel. And the same goes for the last thoughts before falling asleep. Since you're passing, I have met some amazing people and I tell them about you, the joy you brought to me and the things I've had to learn since you've been gone. I think you have your own little fan club of sorts. So many of these amazing people have been part of the driving force of telling this story. And in some ways I think you might have brought them to me, knowing I would need them in my life. So many of my dreams are starting to come true, and so many more are still in the making. No matter those dreams. Nothing compares. Two U, Devon and Rachel, you three are my absolute greatest dreams and accomplishments I'll ever have. I was given the chance to be a mommy to the three of you. And for that I think my lucky stars I'm sorry that you were not allowed to stay. The reasons I'll never know and probably will never understand. I do consider myself the luckiest woman alive to have been given the opportunity to have you as my son here in my arms for five months and now forever in my heart. Sometimes when I see other parents with their Children and one of them is the age you would have been, it is hard. Not that I break down crying every time I see a child at the age you should be. But knowing that I should have you with me and that you would be that age doing those things that makes my heart ache. I want to go up to these young mothers who look frazzled from the antics of their toddler or young child and tell them to hug their Children a little tighter. Tell them that they love them and get as many pictures as possible. However, I'm sure that they would think I was an escapee from a mental ward and just ignore me. Other parents don't understand this pain unless they've been through it, and I really wish there was a way to stop this pain from happening to others. I know I'm strong, but losing you broke something inside me. I'm not the person I waas losing. You changed me on such a deep and fundamental level that I'll never be that person again. On another level, losing you and the healing and coping since then has made me a different person that perhaps I should have been all along and didn't know it, at least not until recently. Some day I will see you again. Someday we will be together and never again be apart until that day. Listen to Grandma Kitty. I know that she is with you, loving you on Lee the way a grandma could. I have to take care of Devon and Rachel, make sure that they learn how to be responsible adults and to make sure that they have a many memories of you as I can possibly give them. I still have a lifetime of memories to give them with other things. I need to make sure that their memories of their childhood and their pending adulthood will last long after I'm gone, I'll admit some days it is difficult to remember the sound of your giggle and other days I can recall it without even trying. One day I won't have to worry about remembering it, because I'll be with you and I'll be able to hear it every day. That is a long way away. I'm not old and gray yet, but until then, until then, I will strive to be the best mom I can be to Rachel in Devon, I will work hard at making sure your memory lives on. I will put myself out there for other angel parents as the need arises because they need to know that they're not alone. I will show others that this is a tragedy. But that doesn't mean the grieving parents are less of parents. I will do all of this toe, honor your memory and prove to Rachel and Devon that we are survivors. I love you, my baby boy. I always have and I always will. I loved you before I knew you were you and I'll love you until my last breath and beyond. Meet me with open arms on that special day. It won't be for a long while, but I'll see you when I get there. Tell Grandma Katie I'll catch her on the flip side and she better be ready to dance with all my love now and forever, Mommy.