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Welcome to the positive side of the bad stuff. I am Leslie cho your host and today we are talking about when you're coping skills fail you. It's a bad thing when that happens. But there is always a way to recover because we all have things we do to get through each day, our daily routine favorite ice cream at the end of a busy day. Or I know in my case zoning out with my favorite tv show to draw the day to a close, my brain just knows I'm done as soon as I plop down in front of the tv. But the key behind coping mechanisms is behavior and more than that consistent behavior, how we cope with our daily lives, various per person really when managing your mental wellness, it's key to find those skills that work for you. Specifically global options like exercise, writing lists, drawing or doodling or whatever it is, may not work for you. So what happens when you've established your coping skills and you find yourself in a situation that throws them right out the window? Well today we will talk about that, I had a similar situation but before I get into that you're probably asking yourself well what are coping skills exactly coping skills are the conscious or unconscious strategies used to reduce unpleasant emotions. The things we do to get through situations. They are cognitive and behavioral tools or techniques that we use. And so what I mean by that is cognitive tools and techniques are things that we think about like our self talk what we tell ourselves and our behavioral techniques are obviously the, you know, of course the things that we do our habits turning on the tv picking up our phone. Unfortunately those aren't necessarily the most positive things but cooking, exercising these are habits that are positive that help us get through And and shift our mind calm our minds breathing, counting backwards from 10. These are all coping skills, deep breathing, doodling, gratitude, setting healthy boundaries. All of those are considered coping skills. There are many different types of coping skills. You have self soothing coping skills like something to touch or hear, like holding a stuffed animal or listening to music, looking at happy pictures, smelling or tasting something like sipping on tea and smelling incense. You have distraction. So taking your mind off of your problems for a while, like puzzles, books, artwork, any kinds of crafts movies, tv. You also have opposite action type of coping skills and what we mean by that is you're doing something the opposite of your impulse. For instance, you may be sad. So you look at something funny or cheerful on television or in a movie, you also have emotional awareness and these are tools for identifying and expressing your feelings. So a list or a chart of emotions, journaling things like that also helps some of that emotional awareness to unlock some of the feelings you might be feeling mindfulness. We've heard a lot of that's meditation, breathing grounding exercises like yoga and deep breathing and then it's always good to have a crisis plan. If you are at a place where it is just a cold read situation, there is no recovery from it. You've completely shut down. You either reach out to a family or friend that you feel comfortable with your therapist, a psychologist, a hotline, a crisis line. All of these are areas that in your crisis plan in working on your mental wellness. It's good to have. Okay, so now we have a general understanding of what coping skills are. Let me tell you what brought me to this topic. I recently had a business trip that I went on to Rhinelander Wisconsin. I know it's hard, I can't even it's hard for me to even say it without sounding sarcastic because I still can't believe I found myself in Rhinelander Wisconsin but I work with a nonprofit organization and they focus. A lot of their primary clients are at least this time of year our camp leaders and the like. And so I signed up to be a mental health certification trainer and I said I would go and work with their clients basically some of the campsites that mainly wanted to look at D. E. I. So diversity equity and inclusion and restorative Justice. So they wanted to focus on those types of content. So without really thinking it through on the strength of my relationship with this organization. I just said yes that's where I made one of my first mistakes. But we'll talk about that at the end. So on this trip, there were a lot of things that really went south and for those of you who have followed me for a while, you know, I'm very good at my own coping skills. I can handle change and stress pretty well actually when I'm in my home environment. But Rhinelander, Wisconsin is basically the back woods of Wisconsin. It's, it's beautiful though there's lots of trees and woods. It's a very wooded area, very small town, the airport in Rhinelander. In order to get to Rhinelander, you have to fly. Or at least I flew into Minneapolis ST paul first from L. A. X. And then from Minneapolis ST paul to Rhinelander. Ryan Landers Airport is probably the size of a cbs, if that like, it's the size of a drug store, It's not very big at all. But on the flight from L. A. X to Minneapolis ST paul, I engaged a woman that took her shoes off on the plane, which I had heard this has been happening. I had not had the experience myself up to this point and I was very thankful. But in this moment this woman took her shoes off, there was a very distinct odor which blows my mind that people really feel comfortable, first of all taking off their shoes and then she proceeded to put her bare foot on the arm, hand on armrest in between the two seats that sat in front of us, meaning that her foot was basically in front of me because even on a plane, the space is so narrow and it blew my mind that I was going to have to have a reprimanding type of conversation to a grown adult. But I also recognize that when this woman sat down, she looked over and she saw me a person of color and her face was, there was this pause that happened and that's the thing that you recognize when you are a person of color. You recognize that moment where people look at you and they have that hiccup in their brain that goes, hmm and recognize that moment. So in the flight I did everything I could to just let her know that I am just another person. I helped her with her sweater as she was trying it on. But then she went and did this. So I had to have the conversation which is hard even for me. I talk about how to do it. I coach other people on how to have the hard conversations, how to stand up for themselves, how to set boundaries and I still struggle with it. So here was an opportunity that I had to practice what I preach. And so I politely tapped her on the shoulder and I asked her to please remove her foot from the common space which is you know in front, that's the verb it I chose to use even though of course in my head that's not what I wanted to say. I'm sure you all can guess what I wanted to say but suffice it to say I did. What needed to be done. She wasn't happy. Of course. She tried to explain why her misbehavior was acceptable and why I should allow her to encroach on my space. But I stood my ground and I really didn't go into much more explanation. I just looked at her and I smiled and I said I understand and I just repeated what I said. But if you could just please remove your foot from the common space I'd appreciated and she ultimately did. That was unnecessary. But that was how the trip began the connecting flight. The airline sent me wrong information so I thought my flight was delayed than I thought it was on time. Then it was at a different gate and by the time I got to the gate that I thought it was, the actual flight had taken off. So I missed my flight. There was not another one until the next day. As many times as I have flown. I have never ever had this situation happen to me. Mind you I've been flying I've been flying all day so it was a long day to begin with. All the cars were rented out because of supply and demand these days there's so few people on call so you don't have a lot of staff around but then you also don't have as large a supply of things that you would have in the past. I used to never have a problem a rental car if anything happened. But like I said, I've never missed a flight before. I know people are like what? You've never missed a flight before. I've never missed a flight before. A connecting flight has never happened to me. I've always made my flights. So when this happens, I, I lost my focus. I, I as I've shared, I have bipolar so there are a million and one things I do to prepare to be around a lot of people to be in an enclosed space to go on a flight to make sure that I have what I need and when things change on a dime like that it can be jarring and hard and I'll run through my list of backup plans. If this then that if this then that if this then that but sometimes you just run out of things on your list which is what happened. So I did what I do know to do and I went and asked the clerk for help and what to do and so they put me up for a hotel and all of that. So again, if I went into every detail of this trip will be here until next week. So let me skip ahead to once I got to Rhinelander and started training. Being out in a camping environment. I know from experience is not where I wanna be now. I made the decision to stretch out of my comfort zone because I was thinking, hey nature is really good for depression and things have been kind of heavy for me lately. So I figured it would be a win win. I truly overestimated or underestimated the strength of what that would do because it really threw me into a whole other place between the outdoor bugs at the campsite, they had dogs running around and everything was just kind of whatever. And then at the last campsite, the young people that were there, they were very not in a negative way. I don't want it to seem like they were negative, but they were intelligent and they challenged they challenged the topic and because the topic was such a a big topic. Restorative justice that of course is going to spark large conversations and that really wasn't the place to really dive deep because we were having a two hour talk. But by that time, mind you, this was thursday and I had already had such trauma on monday that I truly wanted to turn around and just go home. And I truly would have if it wasn't for a client actually, if it wasn't for a client's client, if it had been my client, I probably would have called the client and said that I've had a a health emergency and I'm going to have to reschedule. I I probably would have done that. It might not have gone over with that client well and I may have lost that client. But truly the way I felt at the end of monday on that trip, I needed to go home to the point where I literally called my mom. It's like I need my mommy right now. So that's what I did. And my mom kind of talked me off the ledge, which was wonderful and she, you know, help me through that. But that's how stressful it was because my normal coping skills failed me. I could not rally. I was so exhausted and just taken so far out of my comfort zone that I really couldn't cope. So once I got to the hotel I made it up in my mind to just stop and just sit down. But throughout the week different things happened of the company I was working with. Um even though I was servicing their client, the company I was working but changed the information. They changed the slides throughout the week. So what I thought I had prepared to speak, gone by the time I got there because of course I'm preparing the night before. So I'm looking over the material and I'm noticing things are different than what I had before I left. And so there were changes throughout and then lots of email information. So there's just this flood of information and that is not something I can manage not to mention some of the microaggressions and, and having to be comfortable with being the only person of color in what felt like the entire town. I know, I'm sure it wasn't that extreme, but literally when you can walk into a walmart and I think most of us know the size of a mart walmart, I notice you are the only person of color in the entire store that can be a little overwhelming. So suffice to say, to wrap up just the whole trip. It was, there were a lot of pieces that culminated into just a very, very stressful situation. Could it have been avoided, possibly one of the ways it could have been avoided. And this is how I'm going to kind of move into my recommendations for you. One of the things I did badly was that I just said yes on the strength of my relationship with this organization, I do adore them. However, campers are not my, my client. I knew that I had even said that to them a few times, but I went against what I know to be true and you know, the age of the habit of happy is to hear your truth part and I did not listen to my own truth and I said yes. So I instantly put myself, I set myself up to be in a situation. Now, could it have gone amazingly well, absolutely, but what are the odds of you being in this person of color in this teeny tiny town in Wisconsin in a campsite, I mean come on, think it through. So I did not set my own boundaries, I did not ask any questions on the front end, I was told how much they pay and all of that and I just went along with it again on the strength of them. But what I completely underestimated was the amount of work that is unpaid that happens on the front end, on the prep, on the follow up after the fact while I'm there, there are so many moving pieces that I just did not count on and I know better, I do this for a living, I know what questions to ask. But again, on the strength of my relationship, I just said yes, I had made a similar mistake with a friend and no questions asked and it turned into something that it should not have been and as a result it ended the friendship and that's unfortunate. So my recommendation is to remind yourself of your boundaries in those situations, when you feel your coping skills are not working, retrace your steps and find out one. If on the front end you didn't work with your, you didn't set the proper boundaries. But then also in the moment, see if okay in this moment right now can I set certain boundaries which I did in the moment, I decided that trying to do my normal prep and all that is, I can't do it. So whenever I landed at whatever hotel I was staying at, I should shut down for the day. That was it. Now. I did allow myself enough time in the morning. I think I gave myself a half hour or an hour of review time. That's how I noticed that the slides were different. But I gave myself the out that at the end of my day, wherever I landed, you're done. And that helped me to at least have some wind down time and some time to just be in my feelings to rest and recoup from the day. The second thing is change things kept changing throughout from the flight, giving me the wrong information too. So I missed the flight to changing the material right up to the minute to learning that there's dogs and different things happening at the actual site. One place, I actually had to set up the room, which I wasn't expecting that either. So just in those moments of change, take a beat, think about what you need in that moment to be okay. In those moments when I found myself at the site having to manage situations that I wasn't expecting, I found moments where I could be alone. So even though I wasn't happy about setting up the room and they were saying, hey, do you need some help? No, actually I have it, I can take care of it, no problem. And that allowed them to go away and for me to have a moment to just take a beat to have that time to myself. And while yes, I'm setting up chairs and I'm moving and grooving, it was still in my own space. I did not have to entertain someone else. I did not have to have small talk, I didn't have to manage any questions that may have come to me, all of that. I created that space to just be in my own space and granted I had no idea. No, I was outside of my control when they were going to come back, but I used my words to say, hey, no, I can take care of it. And that gave me space. Running to the restroom is another one. I was talking to someone at one point I'm like, hey, you know what, I need to run to the restroom, where, where can I find that? And so I was able to be in the restroom for a little while. They probably thought something was wrong with me. And but it wasn't, I wasn't there for an extended period of time, but I definitely took my time and the same with lunch. I think at one of the locations, they said, hey, you know, if you want to have lunch with us, you can, because at that location there was a morning and an afternoon session and I said no, you know, actually I brought a snack. So if I could just, is there a room where I can just sit and check my emails and do that. And, and I wasn't checking any emails, I just did not need to also continue to engage. It also turns out that lunch was being served outside. Okay, well that was no, that was a no go for me. I was not having that. So, so again, setting those boundaries and adapting to the things you have no control over allows you to take those beats where you can and then lastly the engaging with people having to have the hard conversation with the lady on the plane. Find your Burbage and what I mean by that is find that neutral non blaming Burbage. I talk about how it's impacting you. I'd appreciate it. If you would fill in the blank, I'd appreciate it. If you would remove your foot from the common area, notice I didn't talk about her barefoot or where she had it. I just said it was a common area, which it is, it's an airplane. So be careful. I'm not gonna get in my feelings but take a beat yourself before you have to have the hard conversation evaluate how you can phrase it, put it, run it in your head as to how you can do it. You're not going to do it perfectly every time. So let yourself off the hook for that, but you're not gonna be able to do it every time, but allow yourself that moment to just pull it together, right? So in those moments on the other side of it, I did have to ask myself, did my coping skills really fail me? And I learned that they really didn't, they didn't work as well as they do in my normal environment. But I was able to find those moments, once I kind of got my bearings, I was able to find those moments to take control back and be able to have what I needed in those moments. Did it work all the time? Absolutely not. It was one of the most challenging weeks I think I've ever had and I've had quite a few. So especially with a client, it's really one of those, it was one of the worst trips ever. But I got through it. The other thing is to give yourself some grace, life is a continuing learning experience. And as we grow and as we age, there are things that may have worked in the past that as you find yourself again aging or doing work working differently than you have in the past, it might not work the same way anymore. So you have to make that adjustment and you might not know that maybe you haven't done it in awhile, maybe you've been doing the same thing over and over and over and over and over again and you're like on autopilot and then here comes this twist where it's like why is this so hard? You have to readjust and re gauge yourself and go okay it's time for an upgrade into my process is my procedures, my coping skills, all of that is just due for a tweak, that's it. And then call a lifeline. If you have just like I called my mom, if you have someone in your life then you can reach out. I also called my best friend, she is amazing. She will go and be just insane with me. She will get that like she'll do the anger piece that I can't do because of where I am or whatever. We'll go there with me and call those people reach out to them explain what you're feeling and know and and hopefully they are the kind of people that can hold space for you to be emotional and vulnerable with them and allow you to have your feelings. And if not there are lots of help lines like the Crow, the crisis text line you can text home H O M E 2741-741. Or you can call what is called a warm line. Now. Warm line is a peer run listening line and a staff by people in the mental in mental health recovery themselves. Right? So they totally understand what going through and you can google a warm line directory and find a warm line in your area. So if you're traveling you can find that person if you are. You know if your mind is such that you can just really stop and come to your senses where that's concerned. Then take the time to reach out to that warm line and talk to that person that can kind of help you. And lastly just stop. That's what I did to just stop whatever the plan was just stop. If you can just go back home do it if you can because I tell you if I could have gone back home on monday I would have whatever it costs. I would have turned around and just gone home. But I didn't I went through the week because it was my client's client. And there's no shame in saying this is too much. This is a mental health emergency. If you were on the road and you broke your arm or you put your leg in a cast you would have to stop, you would have to come home, you would have to cancel the rest of the trip. The same is true for your mental wellness. If something happens where you have hit your limit, that's it, go home. You're done in this case. I was on a business trip. So I tried not to jeopardize the relationship that my client had with their client. So I did the best that I could. So that's it. That's all for today. So I hope that that was helpful and useful to you remember to like me on Facebook and Instagram at LP speak on both of those and go to my website at LP speak.com to get your 10 practices for creating the habit of happy. Also sign up for our burnout webinar. It's self paced, You can do it at your time. It's not very long though. It's about an hour. It's on my website and on august 25th at 4:30 p.m. Pacific time. You can sign up for my inclusion webinar. So we're going to discuss the most important piece of the D. E. I. The diversity equity and inclusion, which is inclusion. Alright. If you would like to share how you maintain your happy, reach out to me at Leslie at LP speak dot com and in the subject line references the podcast and I'll have you on the show that we can have a dialogue and talk about how different people in different industries just in everyday life manage how you maintain your happy. I would love to interview you. So reach out to me Alright. I hope everything I talked about today was helpful. I hope some of the things you heard resonated with you and you're like, oh my gosh, that's happened to me a million times or has happened to me before and I didn't know what to do. So I hope I gave you some tips and tools that will help you going forward. And, as I always say, until next time go, be do.